In Deep by Angalia Bianca & Angalia Bianca & Linda Beckstrom

Author:Angalia Bianca & Angalia Bianca & Linda Beckstrom
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Chicago Review Press
Published: 2018-10-28T16:00:00+00:00

Dear Judge Himel,

Your Honor, I know that I did wrong, and I have to be punished. I am so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain I am causing my young son with our separation, unable to see him more than once a week. I am convinced that once you hear my appeal, you will believe that my sentence should be modified, and I should be reunited with my beautiful boy.

I cried as I wrote the letters, just to be sure they sounded real.

While I obsessed about my appeal, I became convinced that my time in prison was going to end soon, and I started to believe that I would be out in a matter of months. This shift in my attitude made me more restless than ever and less able to cope with being locked up. I found myself taking more risks with other inmates to get drugs or to get out of my cell whenever possible. I fell into the trading and bartering wars that define life inside prison, working the other inmates to get anything extra or sometimes just messing with someone for entertainment. Grandma, my father, my mother, and even Uncle Joey were all sending me money, so I had plenty to bargain with. Drugs flowed freely, and I soon learned how to get whatever I needed or wanted to get high, sleep at night, and keep my head in a place that made the restlessness easier to handle.

My mother brought Sean to see me every week, but these visits left me feeling depressed and empty, which just fed my determination to get out. The first time they came, I was so nervous. I couldn’t wait to see Sean, but was embarrassed for him to see me here. He was eight by then and knew what was going on. I tried to help him see that I was fine and that this was not so bad. I even promised him I’d be home soon. My mother didn’t believe that, but she seemed happy enough to come and bring Sean. She came twice a week, every week, once with Sean and once without him. Sometimes she would bring Grandma, or Pat, or Aunt Louise. I even managed to introduce her to Patty Columbo, and it was truly a highlight for my mother. Pat would smuggle special makeup, eyeliner, jewelry, and even hair combs tucked under her hair for me. I took whatever she brought and hid it in my crotch or under my tongue. My family was looking out for me in the joint, and it was always excruciating to say good-bye and watch them walk through the doors to leave. They weren’t my only visitors.

I was regularly communicating on the phone with Javier, who was still my boyfriend, and he visited once a week, too. In the meantime, I had started having sex with one of the prison guards to get favors and special treatment. I set it up with him so that for fifty bucks he would look away when Javier would follow me into a nearby bathroom for sex.

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